The day after forever

So what do you do after forever? I mean you know, when you're in a relationship you hear stuff like "I will love you forever." Or a combination of "this is for forever." And "we will be together forever."  And then you wake up and you realize that yesterday was the last day of forever. I always thought that there's no more days after forever. I mean it is forever right? But there is it! The sun rose, you wake up and you see the clock says: 6:30 and you know you need to go to work. 

So confused you stared at the ceiling. All of a sudden you don't have reason to smile or the desire to go to work. Or to do anything at all! But when you glance back at the clock it says 7:15. 

So you went autopilot. Lucky you have been doing the same thing every morning for the past 5 years. You prepare coffee and toast some bread. You stare at the nothing while eating and then you realized nothing taste the same. You have been drinking the same brand of coffee for the last past 5 years and you have been buying the same kind of bread in the bakery for the past 5 years but today it taste different. Dull. Bland. And tasteless. 

As you go and take a shower you wonder about expiration dates of your newly bought coffee and bread. But you completely forgot about it as you try to find a nice clothes to wear. The bright pink sleeveless top always makes you cheery but now it doesn't. Even the cute little sun dress that emphasizes your cute butt and your small breast lost its charm. 

As you fix your hair, you convinced yourself that black is still trendy at summer. So what if its black long sleeves and black pants with black shoes. It looks good together only you feel like there's something missing now that you put them on. It's not the hair, nor the make up. But something is missing as you take your last glance to the mirror before you leave the house. 

9 o clock and you're at work. Still in autopilot. You wonder why smiles and readily available snappy comebacks doesn't go with the autopilot because people look at you differently when you gave them a blank stare. You tried to be cheery like you use to. You try to remember how much you like your job. How much you like your co-employees. But all of a sudden everything is annoying. You snap at every person who annoys you, meaning everybody for stuff that normally either you enjoy doing or tolerate doing. 

As soon as you enter the house you saw a glimpse of you on the same mirror you last saw before you left. You remember the haircut. You remember the make up. The lips, the eyes, the face. But you don't recognize her. Shes like a distant relative who looks exactly like you but you knew nothing about. Especially those tears flowing freely in her eyes. And the absence in her eyes. 

Ah. Forever. How fast it ended. How it halted in screeching stop. The shock finally came and the tears welcome it like an old friend. Like they knew each other so well they knew exactly what to do in moments like this. And then sadness and loneliness came to accompany the empty party of one. For some weird reason your mind drifted on the past - the first smile, the awkward meeting of the eyes, the first birthday you lived in forever, those endless nights talking on the phone giggling like a kid in candy shop, those first I love yous, the first kiss. They all seemed so long time ago. Like another lifetime. Like forever ago. 

And then as the past slips your mind like a broken record, you find yourself contemplating on your future - empty and blank. And the tears welcome it, embrace it. And somehow it felt like something inside you died. That part of you that laughs, that giggles, that smiles at silly things. You realized that this is part of the after-forever life you hastily decided to have when you angrily ended forever. And you wonder if you made the right decision. Because fighting over and over again is much more friendly than this blank space staring back at you. You grab the phone, dialed his number and then hang up. Your heart is confusing your mind. Because you knew when you closed that door for him for the last time, you knew that was the best decision you ever made for you and especially for him. But the pain, screamed your heart. The pain is unbearable. You cannot do this. How can you do this when you already lived in forever? 

After awhile, you glanced at the clock. It says 12 o clock. And then it turned 12:01. And you got up from slumping in front of the mirror and went directly in bed. For the first time, you smile. Genuinely this time. You whispered: "I lived. I survived it!" The first day after forever is over and you're still here. Broken and messy but you made it. It was terrible first day, but it was terrible too during your first day of school. It was scary too during your first day of menstruation. But you lived it. You survived it. So maybe you'd cry every night. So maybe you will be lonely from this day on. So maybe that part of you that died will never come back. But you're still here. And you can always try to live a much better day after the first one. After all you deserve another try. If not, tears knows when you need them. 

Barca vs Chelsea (April 25, 2012)

If I was gonna write about football last night, there's going to be triumph, confidence, patience and victory. It's going to be about, ball tossing, people screaming, heated encounters and tears even in the end. But at the end of the day, it's all about heartaches and broken promises. In this side of the earth anyway.

I was never a fanatic. And I understood half of it really. Initially I find football boring. I'm used to basketball where when people run on their side of the court people either shoot the ball or lose their chance. And then we head off again to the next. It's quick paced, full of testosterone and exciting. I never understood it's stats (well my stats of it) 20 guys, 90 minutes, 2 huge goal, and a huge stadium. End of the game: scores won't even reach 10 on either side or probably even if you add both teams scores.

But like they say, when in Rome, do what the Romans do. In my case - Barcelona and they are doing football. I remember taking trains during major games and people turns blue and red. And loud singing too. Which was seriously cool.

So needless to say you have to have a team. And for 4 years I've been in Barcelona, they have been champions. So it was an easy pick. I live in Barcelona, always a winner. So why do I need to know about any other team? But then I met my boyfriend who was a fanatic of Madrid. So fanatic its either I miss a monthsary or go with him and watch a game.

You can only imagine me on the first game I actually watch for 2 hours. There's no escaping it. You have to glue your eyes in the tv and pretend you understand. I'm not completely clueless actually so by the first half I'm one of those discussing what went wrong and what needs to happen on the second half with my half Spanish language. Madrid won so everything was okay.

Little by little my curiosity got me. I start watching games as background as I play poker or bejeweled in Facebook. Lose or win, madrid or barca, I go to sleep soundly.

Knowledge of football though come handy. I have something to tease with my co-employees when usually I'm just keeping quite. Coz seriously who doesn't know football? Probably only me.

Fast track to yesterday and there I was glasses on in front of a tv almost forgetful of what's going on in Facebook and cheering for barca. I think for the first time thinking about the same thing with everybody in camp nou: what the frigging happen to messi?! Anyways we were saved by Alexis and another one I still dont remember who, so we sort of forgive Messi's fail to add another goal from what I'd call "football free throw". Although it's a slim 1 point advantage when they announced they added 7 minutes to the timer, I'm like surely theyd win. The last goal was from first half and nobody was able to successfully make another one in the last 90 minutes, of course theyd win. But then like on cue, Guardiola took off his jacket and started screaming on his team. I was at home but I could feel the nervousness of everybody in court and in the stadium. This is it, moment of truth! And then one Chelsea player made a long pass and I was think no problem everybodys on barca's camp anyway. And then out of the corner of my tv came this Torres guy and from that tiny speck of time in my entire 35 years of life, the longest 10 seconds of my life I saw him taking the ball one barca player on his tail, the goal keeper made some flimsy attempt to stop him and just like that, one swift kick and he stole the victory from barca. For a brief second there I stared at the tv in disbelief. Barca lost?! I think the realization sets in when I saw messi trying to hide a tear. There's still some 3 minutes left and some of them like Puyol didn't gave up but at that moment I think we all knew they will not go to Europe championship.

In a round about way, Messi broke my heart. He should have made that penalty goal. And what happened to his footworks? But yeah, He was the one who brought us to where we are. We all should be grateful for that. And there's another year. And no, not all the best wins.

This game will be told and retold over time. And no matter what's perspective the storyteller is coming from we will remember this night as the night that Chelsea broke so many hearts and won over the best football team of the world.