So confused you stared at the ceiling. All of a sudden you don't have reason to smile or the desire to go to work. Or to do anything at all! But when you glance back at the clock it says 7:15.
So you went autopilot. Lucky you have been doing the same thing every morning for the past 5 years. You prepare coffee and toast some bread. You stare at the nothing while eating and then you realized nothing taste the same. You have been drinking the same brand of coffee for the last past 5 years and you have been buying the same kind of bread in the bakery for the past 5 years but today it taste different. Dull. Bland. And tasteless.
As you go and take a shower you wonder about expiration dates of your newly bought coffee and bread. But you completely forgot about it as you try to find a nice clothes to wear. The bright pink sleeveless top always makes you cheery but now it doesn't. Even the cute little sun dress that emphasizes your cute butt and your small breast lost its charm.
As you fix your hair, you convinced yourself that black is still trendy at summer. So what if its black long sleeves and black pants with black shoes. It looks good together only you feel like there's something missing now that you put them on. It's not the hair, nor the make up. But something is missing as you take your last glance to the mirror before you leave the house.
9 o clock and you're at work. Still in autopilot. You wonder why smiles and readily available snappy comebacks doesn't go with the autopilot because people look at you differently when you gave them a blank stare. You tried to be cheery like you use to. You try to remember how much you like your job. How much you like your co-employees. But all of a sudden everything is annoying. You snap at every person who annoys you, meaning everybody for stuff that normally either you enjoy doing or tolerate doing.
As soon as you enter the house you saw a glimpse of you on the same mirror you last saw before you left. You remember the haircut. You remember the make up. The lips, the eyes, the face. But you don't recognize her. Shes like a distant relative who looks exactly like you but you knew nothing about. Especially those tears flowing freely in her eyes. And the absence in her eyes.
Ah. Forever. How fast it ended. How it halted in screeching stop. The shock finally came and the tears welcome it like an old friend. Like they knew each other so well they knew exactly what to do in moments like this. And then sadness and loneliness came to accompany the empty party of one. For some weird reason your mind drifted on the past - the first smile, the awkward meeting of the eyes, the first birthday you lived in forever, those endless nights talking on the phone giggling like a kid in candy shop, those first I love yous, the first kiss. They all seemed so long time ago. Like another lifetime. Like forever ago.
And then as the past slips your mind like a broken record, you find yourself contemplating on your future - empty and blank. And the tears welcome it, embrace it. And somehow it felt like something inside you died. That part of you that laughs, that giggles, that smiles at silly things. You realized that this is part of the after-forever life you hastily decided to have when you angrily ended forever. And you wonder if you made the right decision. Because fighting over and over again is much more friendly than this blank space staring back at you. You grab the phone, dialed his number and then hang up. Your heart is confusing your mind. Because you knew when you closed that door for him for the last time, you knew that was the best decision you ever made for you and especially for him. But the pain, screamed your heart. The pain is unbearable. You cannot do this. How can you do this when you already lived in forever?
After awhile, you glanced at the clock. It says 12 o clock. And then it turned 12:01. And you got up from slumping in front of the mirror and went directly in bed. For the first time, you smile. Genuinely this time. You whispered: "I lived. I survived it!" The first day after forever is over and you're still here. Broken and messy but you made it. It was terrible first day, but it was terrible too during your first day of school. It was scary too during your first day of menstruation. But you lived it. You survived it. So maybe you'd cry every night. So maybe you will be lonely from this day on. So maybe that part of you that died will never come back. But you're still here. And you can always try to live a much better day after the first one. After all you deserve another try. If not, tears knows when you need them.
